Winter Days
by TenshiEren14
Summary: Just a oneshot based around a silly headcanon of mine, where due to a certain complication with his DNA AU! Kuroha is more like a snake than should be and thus is a sluggish mess therefore causing an all around disaster whenever he goes out. This irritable snake becomes Santa Claus for a day. Yeah... Kuro Claus. Enjoy. This is yaoi though so don't read if you're not into KuroShin


** Winter Days**

**Okay, TenshiEren14 here and well, I'm currently working on chapter 5 of MCB at the time of writing this, but everytime I start writing I start thinking back to all the stupid tumblr pictures I watched to get inspiration. I don't know, something about Kuro in a Santa hat just makes me so happy, not to mention the fact that Shintaro probably had to force it on him or something. Oh and just so you guys know, Kuro isn't Yandere. I know, I know, non-Yandere Kuro is, like blasphemy or something, but he's a mix of Haruka, Konoha and himself since Haru and Kono don't exist in this universe. So basically, he's a huge teddy bear around his lover while he's a pranking, mischievous snake around his friends (him and Kano are actually best friends because of this), not to mention, because Kuro is a snake, he will have snake-like mannerisms, hating the cold weather and being touched by strangers, for example. He's also a meat mouth and has a bad habit of scaring kids and adults when he's in one of his moods. **

**This is basically a oneshot about the long list of reasons why Kuroha, winter and bad tempered teens will never mix, no matter how much you want them to~ **

**Oh and Shintaro's crappy job is a part-time waiter at the local mall. Enjoy~~**

**Disclaimer: Come on, even if I wanted to, I don't own the amazing character that is Kuro. Though if I did, I'd probably give him to Kuroha-s on tumblr.**

**Warnings: Kuroha being over-bearing and in desperate need of cuddles or something, language (because they're like twenty two), Shintaro being really mean and terrorizing (to Kuro).**

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It was around eleven on a cold December morning and laying on the couch, in a cocoon of fluffy white and black comforters that Kido got him for his last birthday, was one extremely sluggish Kokonose Kuroha. The twenty-three year old looked absolutely exhausted, like just simply lying there was taking up all of his energy. In his hands was a large, black anaconda plush that his boyfriend of five years had gotten him and it was currently serving the purpose of cuddle buddy since Shintaro had to go to work.

The muscular man pulled his attention away from the TV and looked at his sock-clad feet. The dancing dolphins were rather childish, but they were comfiest pair he had by far and honestly, it was like three degrees outside, like hell he was going to put on some flimsy ass pair of socks with only one layer. He lazily reached a hand up to scratch his hair, he was too tired to even put it up today so it was simply splayed across his mountain of pillows in soft waves of ebony. Speaking of his hair, he had to ask Takene to cut it again, it was long enough to reach the small of his back and while he loved his hair (it kept his neck warm and he could even use it as a scarf if it was cold enough) he agreed with Shintaro, it was a pain to maintain. December wasn't the month for him to be maintaining anything except his weight since he had the terrible habit of eating once every three or four days due to how much the winter affected his internal clock.

A small crooked smile found its way onto his face as he remembered how much Shintaro freaked out when he realised just how bad his condition was in winter. The younger man fawned over him constantly and even called Seto to see if he was alright. Now this would've been normal had Seto not been an animal specialist or halfway across the country on a client's case. The black haired man was brought out of his temporary reverie when the bone-rattling sound of Akatin and Un:c screaming Outer Science sounded from his phone. He cursed and slowly emerged from his fortress of warmth to get the cell phone and instantly regretted it.

Even in three shirts, a turtleneck, two pairs of pants, a muffler, gloves and three pairs of super comfy socks, the chill of the air on his face made him recoil harshly cursing whoever was on the other side of the phone in every language he knew. He reached a hand out and grabbed the iPhone5 and attempted to slide his fingers across the screen to answer but, because of the gloves, the technology refused to acknowledge that it was a finger. He cursed even more vehemently as the Utaites started singing the first chorus. He slapped a gloved palm to his face and put the phone down before slowly and deliberately pulling each glove off of his right hand, if he was lucky then perhaps they'd think he was asleep and stop calling him. He took a couple seconds to nurse his now frozen right hand and to his gratitude, his phone went to voicemail. Thank God for small mercies right?

He turned around ready to plop down into his giant shield from the pesky weather conditions when his phone started ringing again.

Perhaps he should convert to Buddhism?

He grabbed his phone and slid a finger across the screen quickly and pressed the cold metal to his air, hissing at the chill and roughly throwing a hello to the other side.

"_So, I take it you're not feeling to hot?"_

If Kuroha could strangle someone through the phone, he'd have killed his chuckling boyfriend six times over by now. Unfortunately for him, after the situation was explained to Shintaro, he thought it was adorable and amusing and found it necessary to tease the poor irritable snake even more during the winter months. Kuro couldn't complain though, in spring he usually made him pay for it.

"_You there, darling?"_

However, for now, he really wanted to murder Shintaro. "What do you want Shin? I'm cold and this phone's freezing my ear off."

He received a nervous chuckle as an answer and suddenly he felt the need to grab his knife, "_Well, you're going to hate me for this but I need you to bring the Santa suit in the closet for me. I need it since Natsu forgot his."_

Wait. Did he hear that correct or was the cold starting to make him hallucinate? For a second there it sounded like his caring and understanding lover asked him to go **outside** and _**walk**_ three blocks to visit him at his _**air-conditioned**_ workplace.

"…You're joking, right."

"_Unfortunately…"_

The snake-like man started chuckling before he became completely serious, "Go screw yourself Shin. I'm not going outside, it's freakin' snowing out there and like hell am I going to come outside for anything other than a goddamn bonfire."

His lover sighed and he could basically hear the eye roll from through the phone.

"_Look, I know it's a stupid request-"_

"Damn straight."

"_But, you have to eat something since it's been two days since your last real meal and maybe human interaction would be good for you."_

Shit, he pulled the 'your health is important to me' card. That sneaky bastard. Of course he could always say that he wasn't hungry but then again, his belly had been growling for the past three hours and it was only through sheer laziness that he avoided putting something in there. He sighed, he was way too tired to even stand a chance against him in an argument, his fate was resigned.

"Fine, all I'm doing is delivering that stupid suit and grabbing a bite to eat and that's it. I'm taking your wallet and going to Kido's after since she has a fireplace."

He chuckled once more, _"That's fine but you have to come now. The kids want to sit on Santa's lap and Natsu's excited."_

The raven could vaguely hear a loud voice shouting about being 'fired up' or something and a pang of jealously rolled through him. The bastard had _energy._ Kuroha murmured a response and hung up the phone after hearing the bastard say that he loved him. Of course, he loved him too, but moving your lips was so hard… he threw the phone onto his fortress and headed to their bedroom to change and get Shintaro's suit.

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.

.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror and frowned. I had on three layers of everything and was still freezing my balls off and for someone as sexually active as I, that wasn't a good thing.

I threw a look back to the Santa suit on the bed and sighed; I never had any shame so why the hell would I start caring now? I slipped on the furry red coat and instantly felt better. The suit seemed to be made of warmth and rainbows or something because, oh my God, this thing was comfortable. I took the hat and put it on my head after tying my hair in a low ponytail and braiding the excess. I took up a change of clothes (since I was going to be down one layer after giving the suit to that Natsu guy) and put them in my blue and white knapsack before taking up his keys and phone and leaving the house.

Walking at the pace of a constipated snail, I shivered slightly as the mall came into view. I could hear happy laughter and see the smiling faces of children and parents alike as they walked about their business in their fancy _one-layered_ clothing and furry boots, frickin' rich people. I sighed and a frown seemed to be the expression of the day as I reluctantly walked into the massive building.

A huge gust of insta-freeze hit me smack on the face and I shivered. Suddenly I didn't care about getting back at Shintaro or even eating, there was no way in the seven realms of hell I was staying in this frozen factory for more than fifteen minutes at most. My knees knocked together and my fingers vibrated in place as I took shaky steps towards the Blindfold Café where my evil, evil companion worked.

At least I would if a huge gloved hand hadn't taken hold of my elbow and start pulling me toward the centre of the mall.

"There you are Izaya. Naru was getting worried that you bailed from the job."

A blonde guy was chewing on a cigarette and wearing sunglasses. His nametag said Shizuo and I would fight against it, but he had muscles and even through the thin jacket, I could feel the heat this guy's blood was producing. I wrapped an arm around him and _clung _to him like my life depended on it, which it did.

He seemed to smile at that and continued lugging me off to the centre of the mall. Now, my condition is such that I usually lose awareness if something is warm enough for me to sleep comfortably and I would get hyper-aware the moment that the warmth was removed from me so imagine my surprise when I find myself on a large red, plush chair that was _colder_ than the mall itself, surrounded by cardboard presents and a long line of children and anxious parents.

No.

There is no way in Hell, Heaven or fuckin' Purgatory that I was going to play Santa-Bitch for a bunch of six year old brats that want fricking ponies from Shetland as Christmas presents._ FUCK THIS._

I looked around, a glare on my face, causing my amber eyes to light up ever so slightly as I searched for the warm, blonde bastard that put me in this position. He was behind the camera.

He was smirking at me.

I'd have to call Kano later for a hit job.

Before I could open my mouth to let this bastard have a piece of my mind, an attractive red haired lady in an elf's costume walked in front of me with a mike and pulled the red velvet rope out of the way, "Welcome to Santa's Workshop. He's been working all year so please be careful. Now, he wants to know what you all want for Christmas so have you all been good girls and boys?"

The cheer that followed caused me to groan. These people had so much freakin' energy. This was ridiculous, I was in no mood to deal with adults and they expect me to handle children and _smile?_

Yeah, when Shintaro agrees to dress up like a character from Kill la Kill.

The first kid was a blonde haired girl who was wearing a silver fur jacket. Her mom looked like a bit of bitch as well with her classy ass glasses. She basically jumped on top of my laps and squirmed around a bit before looking at me expectantly.

It was then I realised something very important. Kids generated an insane amount of heat. They never ran out of energy…

"Hey, kid, what's your name?"

She blinked at me adorably before smiling, "Aki."

I smirked a bit before stretching my hands out and smiling like Seto when he's drunk, "Give Santa a hug."

She nodded and attached herself to my neck and squeezing like a boa constrictor on drugs all the while her body heat was warming me up even if it was just a bit. However, I had to keep up the act so I asked her to whisper what she wanted from me into my ear. The kid was practical at least she wanted a puppy.

After about three minutes of basically cuddling with the kid she got off of my laps and I turned to the mother with my hands outstretched for a cuddle. She sneered at me like I was infected before turning to pick her kid up when I smiled again, "If you don't cuddle with Santa, the kid doesn't get a present."

The air around me froze as the kid turned to her mom with tears welling up in her eyes, "NO, mom, you have to hug Santa. He's so nice! Please mom, come on."

The lady's gaze flickered from her daughter to me before she sighed and I stood up to receive her hug.

"I thought Santa gave gifts to good girls and boys. Since when does it matter about their parents?" She whispered in my ear.

My smirk was feral, "Since their parents are prissy bitches that need to get their kid a fuckin' dog so she doesn't waste away."

I only wish I could've seen her face but the gasp was enough to know that I did my job properly. The lady took her kid and her expression was one of anger, disbelief as she basically dragged her kid away from me.

I chuckled, I get warmth and entertainment. This might be worth it.

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It continued like that for about two hours and since there was a constant influx of children, I was never cold for more than a few seconds at a time. Luckily for me, there were an obscene amount of preteens so there weren't any small grabby fingers to pull at my long bangs that had gotten free after that last mom thought she could get handsy with Santa. However, it seemed that my luck had run out. The next person in line wasn't a kid or a preteen. It was a teenager. A shorter than average blue-haired teenage boy with a phone and headphones around his neck, blasting Leia over the ever annoying Jingle Bells track that was currently on repeat. I raised an eyebrow as he stopped right in front of me and folded his arms.

"Kid, aren't you gonna sit?"

He smirked like I said something funny and looked at his nails like I was boring him, "Yeah, no. This is how it's gonna go down, I'm gonna take a picture with you and give it to that pretty piece of ass sitting at that table over there and get laid later tonight so I have no need to sit on some pedophile's laps. Got it, gramps?"

My eyebrow quirked and slowly but surely, the warmth I had accumulated was disappearing and becoming frigid North Pole air. I opened my eyes to reveal the glowing amber that they were, "Listen, I couldn't care less about your problems tiny dick, but I'm cold so sit on my laps or hug me or something before I do something I won't regret."

He looked at me funnily before laughing, "Yeah no chance you fat fuck, I ain't sittin on no one's laps."

I grinned and stood up. Shizuo raised an eyebrow at me as I walked over to Erza who had the mike and grabbed it from the table before walking back to right in front of the brat and taking a deep breath.

"This is a message for the pretty lady with silver hair sitting at table three in front of Fairy Tail, this guy's a piece of shit."

Gasps erupted from the crowd and the boy turned a bright red before he glared at me a whispered a quick 'wtf do you think you're doing?"

I glanced back at him and smiled before turning back to the girl, "Yeah, he is girly. He wants to get into your panties and he's a douchebag so save yourself the trouble and forget him."

The girl was stomping her way over to us and the crowd parted ways so she could pass. She walked onto stage and glanced my way before kicking the guy in his nuts and giving me a kiss on my cheek, whispering her gratitude. She was about to leave but I took a deep breath once more, "Girly, Santa only accepts gratitude in the form of hugs."

What? It was cold again.

She held me in a huge hug and did something completely unexpected; she kissed me on my lips. I was too shocked to do anything as the crowd behind us erupted into cheers as the snapped pictures. Now, knowing my luck during winter there would be a three second default before something terrible happens.

_3…_

_2…_

_1.._

"KUROHA KOKONOSE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

Yep there it is.

I looked to my left and saw my lover of five years glaring daggers at the poor girl who was now embarrassed beyond recognition. Shintaro forced his way through the crowd and got onto the stage before stopping right in front of both the girl and me. He turned towards the girl first before smiling his waiter's smile, "I'm sorry, but can you please explain why you were lip-locking with my _snake_ of a _boyfriend_?"

Will if the girl was blushing before, she was volcano now. She turned toward me and apologised profusely, "I had no idea you were gay! I'm really sorry!"

I shrugged, "No harm done right?"

She turned around and walked off of the stage but no one paid any attention to her. They were focused on the soap opera of a scene that was unfolding between myself and Shintaro. He glanced toward me and held out a paper bag that had the iconic logo of Rib and Itou's Barbeque on it before turning around and making his way to leave the stage. I raised an eyebrow at his back before throwing the bag onto the plush chair and grabbing him into a neck breaking embrace.

He was sputtering for breath and I snuggled into his neck and basically tried to melt into him, no one was warmer than Shintaro. .

"Don't you have a job to finish?" He was blushing since so many people were watching us.

I smirked into his neck, "That job was just for the free hugs."

He frowned and turned, well tried to turn, towards Shizuo, "Do you have someone to take his place?"

Shizuo pointed at Izaya who was sitting all the way across the room at a small popcorn shop.

Shintaro nodded and basically dragged me towards the chair, picked up the bag of takeout and tried his best to walk off of the stage however; it was kind of hard to do that with a 141 pound deadweight attached to your side. He groaned and glared half-heartedly at me, "If you decide to be good and walk, I'll cuddle with you all day tomorrow."

I perked up at that. Usually, he'd leave the bed/ my fortress of warmth at around eleven to clean the house and since we usually cuddled naked to receive more body heat, I'd then have to get up and put on my layers upon layers of thick coats and socks so I don't die of hypotension or something. So, the trade was walk for three blocks and get a ticket to all day warmth or get dragged through the snow for three blocks and probably get three hours of cuddles in the morning tops…

"Let's go. I'm cold again."

Shintaro smiled and as I grabbed his hand and smirked somewhat at his blush, I realised that in the end, today was a good day.

Yeah, today was good.

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**Shintaro's Saturday.**

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During the coldest winter month of December, Kisaragi Shintaro's day typically begins at six thirty in the morning. Due to a strict regimen of collage and sharing a bathroom with frat boys, his body was trained to pee at exactly six thirty every morning. December mornings were an exception.

Due to the ungodly sluggishness of his lover, one Kisaragi Shintaro was usually stuck in bed with morning wood for one and half hours until his boyfriend's anaconda like grasp eased up at eight.

At eight thirty Kisaragi Shintaro is forced to place socks onto his boyfriend's feet since he twists once his main source of warmth is gone. At this point he would usually go and get ready for work, leaving Kuroha's delayed reaction to do the work for him, but today was Saturday and he had a promise to fulfil and thus, Kisaragi Shintaro slipped on his super thick pair of stockings and crawled back into bed where Kokonose Kuroha immediately clung to him like lint on a black shirt.

The day officially begins at eleven in the morning when Kokonose Kuroha would crack his murky amber eyes open for the first time that day. He would take a solid fifteen minutes to register the fact that he was in bed clinging to his now sleeping boyfriend, before he would also realise that the reason he woke up was due to the prominent erection poking at his leg. Thus the first act of his day is a handjob because he's too decidedly lazy to do anything else.

At noon, when the sun was its highest, a now very awake Kisaragi Shintaro along with his almost asleep Kokonose Kuroha would relocate to the couch, or in the winter, the Fortress of Warmth, so one Kokonose Kuroha wouldn't get angry because of the sudden cold.

At three in the afternoon, after Kisaragi Shintaro was able to get out of the Fortress of Warmth long enough to make chicken soup, his dilemma is to get his boyfriend awake and alert enough to handle and ingest scorching hot soup.

At three fifteen, Kisaragi Shintaro is forced to feed one extremely moody Kokonose Kuroha scorching hot soup via kisses which inevitably get both parties a bit bothered.

At six in the evening, Kisaragi Shintaro is finally able to coerce Kokonose Kuroha into taking a bath with him since they haven't since the beginning of the day.

At seven in the evening, after having a mini panic attack due to Kokonose Kuroha falling asleep in the bathtub, Kisaragi Shintaro puts a new pair of socks onto Kokonose Kuroha's frigid toes as he resigns himself to a night filled of clinging snakes and, if he was lucky, one more round of sex.

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**Okay! This was a lot of fun to write, and it dawned on me halfway through that this became a bit centred on Kuro's snaky needs. I don't know, to me, if Kuroha was real, he'd be a bitch to deal with in winter just due to how similar he is to a snake. I would be ridiculous; the amount of carp Shintaro would have to be forced to deal with so he'd retaliate by easing the ever-living crap out of Kuro. It also doesn't help that March through October; Kuro makes it his business to get Shintaro back for all of his torment during his Snake Days.**

**Also, during the winter months, due to his extreme sluggish behaviour, the most Shintaro receives on a daily basis is his early morning handjob. Kuroha got Shintaro used to strenuous sexual activity really early on in their relationship so during winter, Shintaro has to deal with his libido as well. It doesn't help that the best way to transfer heat is through skin-to-skin contact, so Shintaro is forced to deal with his extremely sexy, naked boyfriend on a daily basis clinging to him like a three year old. He knows the struggles.**

**I don't know, this is my first but definitely not my last Christmas special. I have to do more for different couples; I just had to do them first since they are my OTP. Oh and have I told you guys how adorable Winter! Kuro is? I believe that he'd have it worst in canon though since poor Kuro IS a legitimate snake in the story. Poor baby probably sleeps is a Seto skin coat… that's actually pretty flippin' depressing.**

**Oh well, that's all for now, see you guys later,**

**-Eren**


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